Quick Parenting Tips To Handle Sibling Conflict & Rivalry
As a parent, there’s nothing more heartwarming than watching your children get along, play together, and share those precious moments of connection. But let’s be honest, when it comes to sibling relationships, it’s not always sunshine and roses. Conflict and rivalry can arise and bring tension to your family life. Whether it’s a fight over toys, constant bickering, or deeper feelings of jealousy, sibling rivalry can be challenging and draining for both you and your kids.
If you find yourself struggling as a parent to navigate sibling conflict and rivalry, know that you’re not alone. In fact, sibling conflict and rivalry are a normal part of family dynamics and a natural stage in child development. Thankfully, with the right strategies, you can navigate these conflicts in a way that promotes love, respect, and harmony and teaches your kids valuable life skills. In this article, we’ll share quick, effective parenting tips to help you handle sibling conflict and rivalry while fostering a peaceful environment in your home.
What Is The Root Cause Of Sibling Conflict and Rivalry?
In order to handle sibling conflict and rivalry appropriately, you may be wondering why your children are constantly fighting and competing with each other in the first place. That’s why we bring you the following common reasons to help you paint an idea and understand why sibling conflict may be happening in your home:
Competition over your attention: One of the most common causes of sibling conflict and rivalry is the competition for parental attention. Children naturally crave your love and approval, and when they sense that their sibling is getting more of it, they may feel overlooked and left out. This perceived imbalance in attention can fuel feelings of resentment, leading to arguments and rivalry. Even though you love all your children equally, their constant desire for affirmation can drive them to act out as a way to reclaim your attention.
Jealousy: This is a powerful emotion that can trigger sibling conflict and rivalry. Children often compare themselves to their siblings, and if they feel like one child is getting more privileges, praise, or affection, jealousy can build up over time. This can be especially true when one child excels in areas that the other struggles with, such as academics, sports, or social interactions.
Age difference and birth order: This can also be a significant factor in conflict. Younger children may feel frustrated because they can’t do everything their older siblings can, while older children might feel burdened with responsibility or annoyed by their younger siblings. This gap in development can create natural friction, as siblings' needs, abilities, and interests often vary greatly depending on their stage in life.
Need for individual identity: Every child wants to feel unique and valued for who they are, and this need for individuality can fuel rivalry if siblings feel like they’re constantly being compared to each other or put in the same ‘box’. This can be especially tricky when siblings share similar interests or are close in age, leading them to compete for acknowledgment or praise.
Problems with sharing: Sharing can be a major trigger for sibling conflict and rivalry. Children are still developing their understanding of fairness, and the concept of sharing might feel threatening, especially if there is an underlying belief that they’re not getting their fair share. Arguments over who gets what can quickly escalate into full-blown conflicts if not handled thoughtfully.
Boredom: Sometimes, sibling rivalry has less to do with deep-seated emotional issues and more to do with boredom. Children who are under-stimulated may pick fights with their siblings simply for entertainment or out of frustration. When there’s a lack of structured activities, children may turn to each other to fill the void and that can lead to negative interactions.
Changing needs: Each child has their own set of needs, and they often change over time, adding complexity to sibling relationships. A toddler's needs for care and attention are vastly different from a teenager's desire for independence and privacy, and these differing needs can cause conflicts.
Individual temperaments: Every child has their own temperament, which influences how they interact with others, including their siblings. Some children are naturally more laid-back, while others are more intense or easily frustrated. These personality differences can contribute to sibling conflict and rivalry.
Role models: Children often mimic the behavior they see, and the way conflict is handled by role models, especially parents, can shape how siblings resolve their own conflicts. If children witness their parents managing disagreements in a healthy, respectful way, they are more likely to adopt similar strategies in their own interactions. On the other hand, if conflict is met with anger or avoidance, children may mirror these unhealthy patterns.
External stress: Some external changes like moving or starting school can create anxiety and stress in children, which they may take out on their siblings. When children are overwhelmed by stress, they may be more prone to frustration and conflict with their siblings.
Now that you understand the common reasons behind sibling conflict and rivalry, it’s time to focus on what you can do to effectively manage these challenging moments. In this article, you’ll find quick tips to apply in the heat of the moment when sibling conflict is happening, and then some strategies to use after things have cooled down so you can transform conflicts into valuable learning experiences that help your children develop strong, healthy relationships with one another.
How To Handle Sibling Conflict and Rivalry: In The Heat Of The Moment
1 | Stay Calm and Centered
Staying calm during sibling conflicts can be challenging, but it’s one of the most powerful ways to set the tone for resolution. When children are upset, they look to you for cues on how to respond, and your calm presence can help de-escalate and regulate their emotions. So remember to take deep breaths and remind yourself that conflicts are normal and manageable.
Respond Instead of React
This means taking a moment to consider healthier ways to approach the situation, rather than reacting immediately and impulsively from a place of frustration. Before saying or doing anything, pause and think about the present moment and what each child needs to feel heard and understood. This will help you guide the situation toward a peaceful resolution. For example, you might say, "I see you both are upset. Let’s take a deep breath together and talk about what happened," instead of diving straight into a solution or assigning blame.
2 | Temporarily Separate The Children (if necessary)
In some cases where children are too angry and may start hurting each other either verbally or physically, it can be better to separate them and give each child some space to cool down and regulate. This will allow their emotions to settle and give them enough time to consider their actions and feel open to calmly address what happened.
Encourage Your Children To Take a Break
You can say something like, “Let’s take a five-minute break and talk about this once we’re all feeling calmer”, and then assign each child a quiet activity to do individually like reading or drawing, or simply encourage them to step away for a few minutes and take deep breaths.
3 | Focus On Understanding and Acknowledging Their Feelings
Acknowledging each child’s feelings validates their experience and shows them that their emotions matter. This can be as simple as saying, "I can see that you’re both feeling upset." Recognizing their emotions helps to defuse immediate tension and fosters a supportive environment where they feel safe expressing themselves.
Teach Them to Label Their Emotions in the Moment
Help your children understand their feelings by encouraging them to label their emotions, such as "I feel angry" or "I feel hurt." Labeling helps them process their emotions more clearly and prevents feelings from becoming overwhelming. For example, you could say, "It sounds like you're frustrated because you didn't get a turn yet. Is that right?" This helps children begin to articulate their feelings instead of acting them out.
Teach Them to Express Their Feelings to Each Other
Once they’ve identified their emotions, encourage them to express their feelings directly to each other. You might guide them by saying, "Tell your brother how it makes you feel when he takes your toys without asking." This simple practice empowers them to communicate openly, fostering empathy and understanding. Teaching them to express themselves constructively can go a long way in reducing future conflicts.
4 | Pause and Reflect
After a conflict, take a moment to reflect with your children on what happened and why. Encourage them to think about their role in the disagreement and what they might do differently next time. A reflective pause can help children develop self-awareness and understand the impact of their actions. You might say, "Let’s talk about what happened and how we could handle it next time." This way, each conflict becomes a learning opportunity.
5 | Encourage Your Kids To Use ‘I’ Statements Instead of Blaming Each Other
‘I’ statements, like “I feel upset when…,” help children express themselves without blaming others, which reduces defensiveness and promotes constructive dialogue. Guide them to start sentences with ‘I’ to communicate their feelings. For example, if one child says, “You always take my things,” encourage them to reframe it as, “I feel frustrated when I don’t have my things when I need them.” This technique fosters a sense of ownership over their emotions and encourages accountability.
6 | Offer Choices For Resolution
Giving your children choices can be a powerful way to resolve conflicts. Offering choices lets your children feel more in control and teaches them responsibility, accountability, and decision-making. Try to offer two or three options, such as "Would you like to take turns or play with a different toy for now?" This way, you ensure your kids are developing ownership of their lives and are learning to manage themselves in times of conflict.
7 | Apply Consequences Fairly
Teaching your kids that our actions have consequences can go a long way in helping them develop responsibility and self-discipline. When children understand that their choices can directly impact others, they become more thoughtful and aware of their behavior, which is essential for nurturing positive sibling relationships. You can start by making sure that each child understands the boundaries and the outcomes of crossing them. List some of the potential consequences that may follow their actions and remember to keep the focus on your kids’ behavior, not them.
8 | Reinforce Boundaries
Setting clear boundaries helps children understand acceptable behavior within their sibling relationships. Consistently reinforcing those boundaries creates a sense of security and structure which makes it easier for kids to respect each other’s space and emotions.
Set Ground Rules for Acceptable Behavior
Establish ground rules around behavior, such as no hitting, shouting, or name-calling. Make sure each child knows and understands the rules, so they can hold each other accountable. For example, you might say, "In our home, we speak kindly to each other," or "If we have a disagreement, we don’t use hurtful words."
9 | Avoid Comparison and Taking Sides
Comparing siblings or taking sides can fuel rivalry and lead to feelings of inadequacy or resentment. Avoid saying things like, "Why can’t you be more like your sister?" Instead, treat each child as an individual with unique strengths and challenges. Recognize each child’s perspective in conflicts and validate their feelings without making comparisons.
Handling Sibling Conflict and Rivalry: After Things Have Cooled Down
1 | Guide Them Back Towards Connection With Each Other
After conflicts, guiding your children back toward connection should be your number one priority to help keep their relationship strong and healthy. Encourage moments of reconciliation that remind them of their strong bond, like spending quiet time together or working on a simple activity. This will let them know that they can always find each other, even in times of disagreement and conflict.
The Power of Saying 'Sorry'
Teaching your children to say “sorry” when they’ve hurt each other shows them the importance of humility and empathy. Help them understand that saying sorry isn’t about placing blame but about acknowledging each other’s feelings and showing that they care. Model a heartfelt apology to guide them, and reassure them that this simple act strengthens their connection, making it easier to move past conflicts.
Teach Them How to Repair After Conflict
Conflict resolution doesn’t end with apologies; teaching your kids how to make amends creates true healing. Guide them in brainstorming small, thoughtful gestures to repair their relationship, such as sharing a favorite toy, doing a kind act, or simply hugging each other. This helps them learn that reconciliation is about repairing emotional bridges, not just silently ending disagreements.
2 | Prioritize Connection Over Control
Prioritizing connection over control allows children to feel safe and valued, which ultimately reduces conflict. When they sense that your focus is on understanding and bonding rather than controlling, they’re more likely to respond positively. Instead of enforcing strict orders and commands, try approaching conflicts with empathy and open-ended questions like, “How can we work together on this?” This gives your children a sense of independence and shows them that you’re on their side, which encourages them to cooperate willingly.
3 | Focus On Heart Transformation, Not Just Behavior
When it comes to conflict, guiding your children to understand the ‘why’ behind their actions can lead to lasting growth. Rather than just correcting behavior, help them connect with deeper values like kindness, respect, compassion, and empathy. For example, ask questions like, “How would you feel if someone did that to you?” This approach helps them see how their actions impact others, leading to genuine change from within rather than temporary compliance.
4 | Give Them “Bonding Opportunities”
Creating intentional bonding opportunities can help strengthen the sibling connection. Encourage activities that allow them to cooperate and work as a team, such as cooking together, playing games, or working on crafts. When kids experience shared successes, they’re more likely to view each other positively and become more understanding of each other’s unique strengths and quirks. These moments help to build a foundation of friendship and respect that can withstand conflict.
5 | Teach Personal Responsibility
Teaching children personal responsibility helps them understand that they play a role in their relationships and conflicts. Encourage them to recognize and own their part in disagreements by asking questions like, “What could you have done differently?” Taking responsibility empowers them to make more mindful choices in the future and shows that they have the power to influence their relationships in positive ways.
6 | Encourage Open Communication
Encouraging open communication in your family creates a safe space for children to express their feelings without fear of judgment. Let them know it’s okay to speak up when something bothers them, even if it involves their sibling. Active listening, where you fully engage with their concerns without interrupting, reinforces that their voices matter. This fosters honesty and reduces misunderstandings, which are often at the root of conflicts.
7 | Teach Your Kids Problem-Solving Skills and Empower Them To Handle Conflicts Themselves
Empowering your kids to handle conflicts on their own builds resilience and problem-solving skills. Encourage them to brainstorm solutions and take ownership of resolving issues together rather than waiting for you to intervene.
Turn Conflicts Into Learning Experiences
Remember, as kids cope with conflict, they also learn important skills that will serve them for life, like how to value another person's point of view, compromise and negotiate, and control aggressive impulses. Encourage your children to reflect on each disagreement, and ask them what they learned and what they might do differently next time. This approach helps them view conflicts as growth opportunities rather than setbacks, giving them the confidence to handle challenges in the future.
Resolve Problems With Your Kids, Not For Them
When resolving conflicts, focus on guiding your children rather than solving the issue for them. Encourage them to express their needs and work together toward a solution. For example, you might say, “Let’s come up with a plan that works for both of you.” This empowers them to navigate conflicts independently over time.
Model Healthy Conflict Management
Children learn how to handle conflict by watching how you manage your own disagreements. Model healthy conflict resolution by handling disagreements calmly and respectfully. Let your children see you actively listen, compromise, apologize, and take responsibility when necessary. This teaches them that conflict can be managed positively and respectfully.
8 | Teach Them Sharing Skills
Teaching children to share helps them build empathy and generosity. Start with simple games or activities that require them to take turns or cooperate. Praise their efforts to share and discuss how their actions make others feel. Over time, they’ll begin to see sharing as a natural and fulfilling part of their interactions.
9 | Catch the Children Behaving in Positive Ways: The Power of Positive Reinforcement
Positive reinforcement encourages your children to repeat good behavior by highlighting their positive actions. When you notice them sharing, cooperating, or showing kindness, make sure to acknowledge it. Saying something like, “I noticed how patiently you waited for your turn, that was very thoughtful,” reinforces good behavior, making sibling conflict less likely.
10 | Nurture Each of Your Kids’ Unique Gifts and Strengths
Nurturing each child’s unique gifts helps them feel valued as individuals and reduces competition and resentment. Take time to recognize their talents and interests. This focus on uniqueness fosters a family dynamic where each child can thrive in their own way without needing to compare themselves to their siblings.
11 | Spend One-On-One Quality Time
Spending one-on-one time with each child lets them know they’re loved and valued for who they are. Even short, meaningful moments, such as a walk or a special bedtime routine, can reinforce their bond with you. This attention not only fills their emotional cup but also makes them less likely to seek validation through rivalry with their siblings.
12 | Set Clear Family Rules
Clear family rules create a predictable environment where children know what’s expected. Establish guidelines for respectful behavior, like no hitting or name-calling, and explain why these rules matter. Consistent rules help to minimize conflict and foster respect, creating a more harmonious family atmosphere.
Have Fun Together as a Family
Make time for activities that bring everyone together, like game nights or weekend getaways. Shared fun strengthens family bonds and reminds children that their siblings are also their teammates. Positive experiences help to build a foundation of joy and trust, making it easier for kids to handle conflicts more kindly.
Have Realistic Expectations
Expecting children to get along perfectly all the time is unrealistic. Acknowledge that occasional conflicts are normal and give your children space to work things out. By keeping expectations balanced, you’re better able to support your kids through disagreements without added pressure.
13 | Lead With Love and Honor
Leading with love and honor means treating each family member with respect, even during disagreements. Show appreciation for each child’s individuality, and encourage them to do the same with each other. This approach fosters a household culture of respect, kindness, and empathy.
14 | Have a Plan
Having a plan in place for handling sibling conflicts helps you approach these moments with confidence. Decide ahead of time how you’ll address common issues, and communicate this plan with your children. Knowing there’s a structured approach reduces your own stress and reassures your kids, providing a foundation for calm and constructive resolutions.
When Sibling Conflict and Rivalry Goes Too Far
Although sibling conflict and rivalry are a normal part of growing up, there are times when the intensity or frequency of conflicts may signal a need for extra support. If you’re noticing persistent hostility, emotional distress, or patterns that affect the whole family’s well-being, consider reaching out for professional help. New Roots Counseling is here to provide guidance and strategies personalized to your family’s unique needs to help you nurture healthier sibling relationships and establish a peaceful home environment.
Schedule your consultation today!
(Counseling services are currently only available to clients located in South Carolina)
